The Scottish Referendum
The
Scottish Referendum
–
An Alternate Take
Unless
you live under a rock or read Times of
India (in which case you are too busy noticing cleavages to care about such
trifles as an Independent Scotland) you
probably have been following the entire drama surrounding the future of Scotland
as it unfolds in the UK.
More
than the Scottish referendum itself it was the manner in which the entire
affair was conducted that surprised me. So peaceful? Especially when in the
world’s largest democracy you can’t even get a new state without some healthy
stone pelting, police firing, rape threats, destroyed public property and invaluable
inputs from Poonam Pandey.
The
entire conduct was so counter intuitive to Indians that I decided to write an alternate
version of the events in a way it happens close to our home. Make it more “realistic”.
Find below the timeline of Scottish Independence Referendum if it were done our
way:
1999: Scottish parliament meets
for the first time in 292 years. ‘Jai Scotland’ movement for a separate country
began. Over 200 people injured in Lathicharge by the police.
March 2007: Alex
Salmond floats the ‘Scotland Navnirman Sena’, renames arbitrary tube station “William
Wallace Terminus” – Scots beat up random Biharis to give to give the whole
movement a proper feel – Demand reservations for the Scottish Manoos.
Dec 2007: Local
Scots protest their non-participation; call the whole thing a politically
motivated farce – Labelled Maoist by Mamata Banerjee – Tapas Paul threatens
rape against all Scots.
June 2009: Alex
Salmond begins fast unto death for the independence of Scotland
Nov 2009: UK’s
answer to Digvijay Singh announces decision to initiate the process for
formation of Scotland – Following protests in Wales, England and Thrissur process
put on hold citing need for consensus.
Dec 2009: Local
Scots protest their non-participation – Scottish Khap Panchayat says public is
agitating due to an unregulated consumption of Chowmein – Chowmein banned.
Jan 2010: Government
sets up a 5 member Lord Obvious committee to look into Scotland issue.
Dec 2010: Committee
submitted its report, suggests six of the most obvious options.
2011: Not a fuck was given that
year.
May 2012: Random
Scottish “youth” in their 40s consume poison in a bid to draw attention to the lingering
issue – Scottish Navnirman Sena takes out a rally in support of the suicides.
June 2012: Local
Scots protest their non-participation – Police fires tear gas shells on unarmed
protestors.
2013: Someone suggests a referendum
– politicians laugh at his face - Cabinet approves draft of UK Reorganization Bill 2013 prepared
on the basis of recommendations by a Group of Ministers from Tamil Nadu and Bahrain.
Jan 2014: David
Cameron stages a sit in London to oppose bifurcation – No one gives a fuck.
May 2014:
Bill introduced in both the houses – MPs greet it with
pepper spray, blow torch and hand grenades – Heavy debate on TIMES NOW
featuring mostly Arnab Goswami.
August 2014: Local
Scots protest their non-participation - Alex Salmond threatens to wring their
necks and bury them 10 feet below the ground.
September 2014: Scotland
is independent – Alex Salmond, now not quite sure what to do next, leads a
victory procession through the streets, promises 45 new IIMs in all the
counties of Scotland.
October 2014: Local
Scots protest their non-participation – Army called in.
- Fin
-
Disclaimer:
I write this blog not to defame the Scots (I freaking love Scottish people),
but to highlight the difference in the workings and handling of a sensitive
issue in the West verses the knee jerk politics in the subcontinent. Kudos to
the Scots and the UK in general for the good job in conducting the whole affair
so peacefully.
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